We’ve said it before: there are good influencers, and there are bad influencers, but alone, they don’t do much for your brand. This piece isn’t about the good ones — the ones who know their audience and endeavor to bring them closer to brands and experiences that they’ll love.
This is about the bad ones: the trend hoppers, the shills, the hustle-bros, you name it. So, put on your imagination hats. Let’s find your obnoxious influencer persona. It’s just a bit of fun… so don’t send me emails, please.
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Let’s say that you manage to find somebody willing to entertain your existence for more than six minutes. You’re chatting away and eureka! You accidentally say something funny or poignant. Suddenly, the person you’re talking to is no longer a priority. You need to whip out your favorite quote-making app and fire it out to all of your social channels — STAT. Don’t forget to credit yourself in case your post goes viral, too. Oh, is that person still talking to you? Get rid of them before they distract you from your filter selection. Aw, no… you forgot what you said, didn’t you? I guess it doesn’t matter anyway, because no matter how many overly-earnest Instagram stories you make, Linda still won’t let you see the kids.
Virtually all of your social posts are promoting some random brand that you’d never be caught dead using in real life. Look, I’m never going to hate on you for doing what you need to do to pay the bills. But, shilling Brand B to your audience just so that you and your influencer pod can get the attention of the more prestigious Brand A grinds my gears a little. I’m surprised that you haven’t partnered with any shin-guard companies. Especially since you’re forever tripping on empty boxes for charcoal activated enema kits for next week’s posts.
Oops! It’s midday already, so it’s time to shill some lifestyle products to the plebs again. Just remember: don’t let that herbal Sagittarius facemask actually touch your face. #ad
After a long day of working in finance (just so you can wear a suit), it’s time to #grind in the gym. Instead of taking a shower afterward (like a regular person), you make an Instagram story. You know, about how that stressed, regular-looking parent you saw outside is just “lazy.” Once you get home, it’s time for a protein shake — just don’t finish it before you snap a pic and tag the brand. Finally, one last pic of your abs before bed should do it. Tell your followers that they too can get rock hard abs like you if they like enough of The Rock’s Facebook posts… It totally has nothing to do with those raspberry ketones that turn your backside into a garden sprinkler every morning. Oh, and throw a #bodypositivity hashtag in there so that you won’t be held accountable for creating unrealistic expectations.
You change social networks more often than you change your cat’s litter box. When hopping from one app to the next, you use your entire 18 minutes of experience to tell others how to be “successful” on it. Your trend-hopping doesn’t stop there, though. Oh, no! In the wake of global protests, it’s time for you to become a social trend hopper, too. In the quest for likes, there is no low that you won’t sink to. Just because you’ll forget about it in a week, doesn’t mean that the world will.
I’ve got to give you credit for your trend forecasting skills, at least.
You’re a popular guy! Your meme account has skyrocketed to fame since you made your profile private in a bid to look more exclusive. All of your followers just love to tag their friends in the comments and share “your” content. At first glance, everyone thinks you’re a content genius. Until they realize that you’ve ripped ideas, memes, and quotes from other, more talented people, scrubbed them of attribution, and reposted them as your own. If it all dries up, you’ll still have the money from the Avengers-themed hoodies you hawked in between the memes.
Totes Travels Tracey
Sure, your last vacation to India was cut short because the food was too spicy, and you realized how much you actually missed your home comforts. But, at least you got a pair of baggy pants with tigers on them and the opportunity to pose for a pic with a massively sedated elephant. With that trip alone, your social content is set for the next eight months as your followers will be subjected to hundreds of posts with the caption #takemeback. The question now is, how do you pay for your next trip? Do you write an entitled email to a hotel for a free stay, or do you just begpack it?
Either way, remember to throw some airplane emojis on there, you little “citizen of the world”, you.
LinkedIn is where you live. Your bio reads Growth-enforcer | CEO | Podcast host — which is a damn sight easier to read than your annoyingly-formatted posts. The ones that highlight:
How, at age 20 you were fired from your job for stealing.
At age 25, you were arrested because you started a fight with a cop who wouldn’t believe that your dad is a lawyer.
At age 30, you used your parent’s money to found a cannabis company with 3 other bros.
Yesterday, at age 31 — you became a millionaire selling cannabis… despite the fact that people of color are still serving prison time for doing exactly the same thing.
When the weed empire crumbles, your podcast, #HustleCentral, that you host with two other guys just like you will be where you shill CBD products.
One might think that you’re a superhero, with the number of rooftop eateries you’ve been photographed on top of. I’ll be impressed if anybody can navigate your posts without accidentally clicking on all the restaurants you’ve tagged. Don’t worry; I’m sure one of them will give you your next free meal. And if they don’t, you can just give them a bad review on Yelp, as you did with the others.
Oh, sorry — I’ll be quiet while you’re concentrating on getting that perfect bird’s-eye shot of your plate.
In the interest of neutrality, I’ve alternated the genders of our heroes above. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be a Foodie Fred or a Motivational Mary! Have a quick scan of your social posts and see which one sounds the most like you. I’ll be honest — I’m a Self Quoting Samuel all day long.
As always, remember that I write these satirical pieces to break through the noise with a bit of humor. I’m not here to bring you down, so you keep doing you, folks.