So… How’s everyone’s 2020 going?
Don’t answer that. Please, just don’t.
It’s no secret that, given the opportunity, everyone would rather pull out 2020’s cartridge, blow on it, put it back in and start again like the world’s most existential N64. However, there’s nothing like a light-hearted opinion piece to take your mind off things. Back home, we have a saying – “Keep calm and carry on.” It’s also important to note that the people back home have most certainly not kept calm, or carried on, but I digress.
In the first five months of 2020, we’ve seen humanity go from World War III in January, to The Towering Inferno in February, to World War Z, and now there are killer Hornets for whatever reason. I’d like to take a moment of your time to explore what the next half of 2020 might look like…
June: Sourdough bread replaces toilet paper as the principal currency in the Western world
Unlike predictions made by various media about post-apocalyptic currency, it initially appeared that toilet paper became the de facto choice. A symbol of wealth, status, and power.
However, in June of 2020, our single-ply economy model will be destabilized by Millennials baking sourdough bread at home. The mass introduction of this new commodity – a form of quantitative baking if you will, will drastically lower the value of toiler paper and eventually, as more and more are baked, render the bread itself devoid of value. Underground workshops packed with Amazon-brand bread makers and an ever-decreasing profit margin will mean that bread makers will be forced to cut the product with garbage such as panko, or wholewheat.
July: More soppy brand advertisements and emails from CEOs destroy the internet. Society begins crumbling
When the entire world entered quarantine, internet providers scrambled to not only make sure they could handle the increase in usage but also to partake in some habitual price-gouging. Unfortunately, the swarm of disingenuous emails from CEOs and overly-sentimental, piano-ridden ads that began in February continue through to July. I guess that some brands just don’t know when to stop. By the end of the month, this noise of terrible content has eaten up all of the remaining bandwidth on the planet. The internet falls.
With no sense of online community, no supply of cat videos, or auto-tuned remixes, humanity begins to crumble.
August: H. P. Lovecraft nerds summon the dark lord, Cthulhu… because at this point, why not?
For whatever reason (likely boredom, since we’ll no longer have the internet) overeager H. P. Lovecraft fans decide to perform the ritual required to summon Cthulhu. The massive, immortal, and cosmic entity (part octopus, part humanoid, and part dragon) takes one look at our situation and booms out:
“This is WAY above my pay grade… you guys are on your own. Good luck, though!”
The Lovecraftian cosmic deity then returns to sea once more.
September: The aliens playing this earth simulator realize that they’d accidentally switched 2020 into hard mode, and reset the game
When doing a routine diagnostics check on our little simulation, our alien overlords realize that they’ve accidentally been playing 2020 on hard mode this whole time. Relieved, because it explains exactly what the hell has been going on, our extraterrestrial overseers casually hit the reset button. Luckily, they’d saved the game recently and can continue this campaign in normal mode. Hard mode Queen Elizabeth II somehow lives on through the reset, and there are now two immortal monarchs with claims to the throne.
Unfortunately, all of the above commotion means that everybody forgets the twenty-first night of September. You win some; you lose some.
As humanity hits reset… what will happen next?
October: Society rebuilds & the internet is restored thanks to community, not corporations
Freshly reset, people start to question the actual value of Instagram models, LinkedIn growth hackers, and cannabros. They remember the good ol’ days of the web, where it was about people, not purchases. Survivors rebuild the digital world how it was supposed to be built.
Halloween is NOT canceled. I repeat, Halloween is not canceled.
November: The new normal begins. People focus on people, and post-apocalyptic quarantine fashion takes off to remember the past
As the first of the new generation of quarantine babies are born after nine months of isolation, a new post-COVID-19 culture emerges.
Toilet roll, now abundant and free for EVERYONE, adorns the beautiful garments of this emerging utopian society. Our post quarantine freedom doesn’t mean that we’ve forgotten the ways of the past. Things like quarantine beards, exposed roots, and overgrown eyebrows are all now so en vogue. We look good, and we know it.
December: Humanity truly starts. Oh, and non-corporate Christmas is a hoot, too
The new world that we’ve built for ourselves is the one we’ve always wanted. It’s built for the people, by the people – not by people, for the brands.
There are influencers, per se, but they now promote online communities and overall wellness. The influence of big corporations on things like politics is a thing of the past, memorialized by a low-budget Lifetime movie starring Malcolm In The Middle actor, Frankie Muniz.
And thankfully, Christmas decorations are not put up until this month – signifying the end of our corporate, money-grabbing past. Traditional Christmas dinner consists of oven-baked tax-dodging billionaire, with a generous side helping of fried bankers.