This is what every corporate COVID-19 email sounds like

Dear peasants my loyal customers,

It is I, the CEO of that granola bar startup that had a kiosk at that convention you went to three years ago. You made the mistake of giving us your business card in exchange for a free sample of our new Raisin Disruptor bar. 

I just wanted to address a matter very important to me: you. Don’t worry about me, as I am currently self-quarantining on my private yacht in the Caribbean. But more importantly, I care so much about you. Which is why in the three years since you’ve been subscribed, this is the first non-automated email you’ve received from us. I’ve even put a .png of my signature at the bottom of this email to really show you that I wrote this. Because I care so much about you. [can you shorten this paragraph, A? Thanks - D] 

To avoid spam filters, I’m going to avoid speaking directly about this crisis and refer to it vaguely as the ‘most unprecedented time of our generation.’ Here are some links to show that I, too, have access to basic news services. See? I’m just like you, my humble consumer. And I just cannot stop caring about you. 

We understand (oh so deeply) that you’re getting lots of advice from non-official sources, so we’ve decided to hop on to this dogpile and send you exactly the same links, but with added nutritional value!

Anyway, here’s a graph of crisis data:

Here’s a list of things I’ve ordered my minimum wage employees to do for your safety:

• [A, paste the list of minimum legal requirements that the government forced us to comply with, thanks - D]

Now, I know what you’re thinking: what on Earth does a granola bar company have to do with this, the most unprecedented time of our generation? Well, I’ll answer that for you:

[A, add some more about how much I care about them, here - I don’t think I’ve said it enough. Thanks - D]

Now, I must leave you. If you have any concerns at all, please contact me at this inbox that’s made to look like my personal email, but just redirects to customer service, just like the emails from my wife’s divorce lawyer.

Eternally yours, David David Davidson, but just call me Dave.